You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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