OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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