So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
