i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
