a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
