i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
