my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
