Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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