you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
