you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize