my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
