There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
