If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
