i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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