mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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