I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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