Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
