at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize