When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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