I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
