Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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