He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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