I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
