Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
