I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
