His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize