4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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