How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
