The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
