I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
