i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
