the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Shame - the story of my life.
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