As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
