I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize