He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
