I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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