the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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