You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We need a shit load of segways right now
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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