I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She bit a glass in half.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize