I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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