tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
high people should be assigned attendants
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
