I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This is the high leading the old right now
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
