Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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