It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize