For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
