I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
