A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You are the jesus of drinking
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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