im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize