I think my fart just growled at me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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