His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
