I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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