There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
