Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize