Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
